The joys and sorrows

After the joyous occassion of welcoming our first child, to our suprise- we were hit with some not so joyous times. Within weeks of having her, I began to spiral into a deep depression and by a couple of months in I was battling an intense rage that would flare sometimes out of nowhere. There were many moments I would want to flee and run from my new vocation and others where I felt so frozen it was as if I couldn’t move, leaving me unable to properly care for our infant child. It was a devastating experience that produced feelings of great shame and helplessness. Up and down was becoming the new normal for what was “supposed to be” exciting times. The list of symptoms was increasing quickly, snowballing into this giant baricade as it seemed my life was spiraling out of control. What was going on? This wasn’t how I imagined this new life to be. Yet, the gift of our daughter was a grace from the Lord as she was this beautiful witness of our love (and God’s) and kept me getting up again every time I would fall. My family gave me reason to carry on and push forward.

My wounds grow foul and fester…I am utterly spent and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart.” Psalm 38: 5,8

Uncovering what was hidden

I have this vivid memory of looking at a list of symptoms of a sexual abuse survivor. With my jaw dropped, I checked off about 75% percent of them. Suddenly I felt like I wasn’t crazy anymore. There were things I was struggling with in the privacy of my life that somehow were on this list… how could this be? I had no active memory of these events, yet the symptoms were telling me otherwise. My body was keeping the score, and clearly it was actively speaking to me. I was slowly beginning to gain some clarity, now understanding that I had endured past traumas as a child and adolescant but had no concept of this new way of thought, as it felt conflicting. Though my childhood seemed normal in many ways, there were sprinkled about these confusing and disturbing events, as harmful and neglectful patterns had surrounded me. Memories from my past life burried so deep within me that I couldn’t recollect them clearly. I was carrying fragments and a lack of the whole picture. Much of my life growing up I felt abnormal, and even into my young adult years I greatly wrestled with my identity, struggling with a plethora of unhealthy behaviors and habits. My life-style exemplified this very much as I battled recklessness, permescuity, self-abuse, and various addictions. Some of which went as far back as a young adolescant girl.

God’s saving grace

In the mystery of God’s image within us, my body was revealing a story to me. It was revealing a story of parts of myself that I had never let Love touch; parts I could no longer access because they were too painful and burried so deep, I was unable to face them alone… until God showed me a way. He showed me how I was self protecting from the pain; that my body is designed to protect itself from harm. This built-in survival mechanism is what carries us through painful, disintegrating moments in our lives. The problem that arises is when these parts of us keep “surviving” when they don’t need to anymore. It was finally safe enough for me to begin healing now that I was married and settled down.

We gain these parts of us that are defensive and ready to fight and protect so we don’t feel what we once did- a great rupture. God also revealed that there were younger parts of me that never got to grow up, as if they were burried alive never to be seen again. So these symptoms I was experiencing, like the fiery rage that looked like an adult temper-tantrum, were actually the little girl in me who once had this beautiful playful heart, grew to close in on herself and was no longer able to rest or trust she would be taken care of. In the place of resting, an irate rage took over and other unwanted harmful behaviors. I was suffering and my body was revealing something deeper within that needed tending to. Jesus says in the Gospel of Matthew 18:3:

He was calling me let him in to those child-like parts of my heart. He also showed me that many parts of my heart could never blossom because it just was no longer safe enough. The thorns of fear would choke me and keep me from opening again, continually making it difficult to break-free and become the fully-alive woman God made me to be. My fears and trust issues were piled high, as I was still believing the lies that inflicted my soul. This was good to learn, as I was realizing that God’s wisdom is in my body… but what now? I still had a baby to raise… and dreams of building a family; a full future with my new spouse.

Forever changed

I was at a crossroads. It wasn’t just me anymore, what I did effected others. The time to reach out and step into the light had come. Though humiliating and difficult at times, opening up about unhealthy patterns and behaviors I struggled with began to change the trajectory of my life. Things I had told no one, now there was a space to work through. I was finally able to unburden. I learned so much about who I really was and that I wasn’t the crazy monster I had built up in my mind. I had believed for so long that I was unlovable, and something was gravely wrong with me. In years past I had gone to doctors seeking help only to be left with more diagnosis and treatment plans with no avail. The power of the mind is great, and if we train it well, we will live well- this is the Word of God (Rm 12:2, Eph 4:23). If we give power to the negative cycling thoughts, they will consume us.

Through years of intensive trauma recovery under a trained psycotherapist, the layers of the onion began to peel back one piece at a time. The missing puzzle pieces finally coming together. I started to realize that the disordered behaviors I suffered from had roots that and were often found in a wound: a place where someone could not love me well or rightly; a lack of love. The remedy? Love himself… Jesus.

Once I began working through difficult burdens and barriers that kept me in a cycle of fear and shame, I was able to slowly rise again and enter into a new-found freedom of self that I did not know even existed. God spoke to me through continuous breakthroughs. I was told over and over again “You are deeply known, seen, heard, and cherished… you are Mine!“

My husband and I went on to have more children throughout this time. Experiencing more healing, but still a grieving as the years were long and strenuous on our marriage. In it all- there was something I was just beginning to taste and wanted more of: intimacy with Jesus. He touched the wounded parts of my soul that had been neglected for so long, parts of me I could hardly manage to love and be compassionate towards- parts of me I hated.

“For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

This was how I was healing- by inviting Christ into the wounds when they would present and slowly over time being made new; being transformed and restored. My body healed in unexplainable miraculous ways. Not just emotionally, but physically as my long list of unhealthy symtoms were dissapating. I was also healing sexually as many barriers were removed now that we were able to get to the root of the issues. And most especially, I was healing spiritually- as I had come to know for the first time in my life God the Father and his love for me. Love HEALS. It is a fact that love heals us not only spiritually, but biologically. Not only was I just healed once but many times- as symtoms bubbled up and out of my body, some never to resurface again. Others have taken longer to work through as traumas are complex and our ways can be stubborn, but in the fullness of God’s time we are perfected- we hope for this as Christians and trust in this process as Jesus himself says “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me” (Jn 14:6). It is all a grace to have self-healing bodies and access to these gifts from the Holy Spirit, even Jesus himself- the greatest gift. Now if there is a wound that surfaces, I will invite the Holy Spirit in. This is Spirit-led living. It is revitalizing, life-altering, and freeing. Jesus is still making His way through the crevices of my heart every day as we journey together in this abundant life!