A Catholic’s approach of what to do and what not to do and 3 steps to take now
Are you a husband or wife whose spouse is addicted to pornography? If so, this article is for you.
Maybe you just found out your husband has been watching pornography in secret for months, or even years. Maybe you walked in on him and it all was right in front of you as a rush of devastation fell upon you both. Or maybe you’ve known for a long time but have not been wanting to or able to process it until now.
In other cases, you might be a husband whose wife is acting out sexually, looking at pornography or wanting to watch it together. Maybe she has had a hidden addiction since she was a teenager and is just now telling you this many years into your marriage. Or maybe you saw she was looking at it in private and were shocked and dismayed.
YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE. This post will offer you critical steps to take towards healing and hope, so that you are able to find comfort in knowing there is a way through this and not all is lost; Hope is here, as difficult as it may seem and as grieving as this feels.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. As a fellow Catholic who has personally suffered from my own sexual addictions that go way back to unwanted experiences I had as a young child and adolesant girl, then carried into my teen and young adult years, I can personally understand the gravity of this matter and the devastation it has on one’s soul and body, and not just as a single individual- but as a spouse too. I walked into marriage no longer struggling like I once had, but my future husband had for much of his singlehood. I thought he had recovered, and didn’t know he had relapsed and was withholding parts of himself from me emotionally and sexually until 5 years into the marriage. So, I get it. It’s messy and feels unfair. You can read our full testimony here and listen to our podcast here.
THERE IS HOPE. My husband and I personally give testimony to that hope not only as individuals, but also as a married couple. This is the truth and you need to hear it, hope is here. You are going to be ok my friend, God is with you.
But honestly, we know this is ugly. It’s difficult and complicated and sticky. It doesn’t just go away on its own but needs addressing and this is often the hardest part, because the sting of the wound is so strong that sometimes we just can’t go there. And really, it is just not what any of us want to be dealing with or ever imagined we would be dealing with, especially for those of us with children in the home. Who has the time or energy to figure this out?! I don’t know about you, but my first thought was… “Why are you allowing this to happen to me, God?” And it wasn’t a nice thought, it was full of fury and grief.
What you are experiencing is not what God intended for you or your marriage. Never-the-less, as followers of Christ, we have faith that he will work all things for our good (Rm 8:28). However, in the Mystery of the Lord he also allows these things to rise to the surface, so that we may be set free. Pornography use is often a symptom of a deeper issue going on.
Men and women who struggle with pornography use may have unhealed relational wounds…“
“Wash Me Thoroughly”: Healing from Pornography Use and Addiction · USCCB.ORG
This blog post will zoom in on what you as a spouse should and should not do if your husband or wife is looking at pornography, and/or addicted to it.
But before we delve in, just a quick heads up… below you will find links to helpful tools and resources as well as a discount code to Covenant Eyes to get your spouse fast tracked to better accountability and on a path towards healing and hope, for the both of you.
What to do and what not to do when you find out your spouse is looking at porn
This topic is far from light. It is heavy. So first off, let’s pray.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the holy Spirit. – Romans 15: 13
PRAY. Prayer is the key here. You immediately react by changing your disposition of heart towards your maker and your spouse’s maker. By turning your cry of heart and agonizing grief to the Lord. This will help you unburden and fix your gaze upon the Hope Christ offers each one of us… a hope that never disappoints (Rm 5:5). Don’t stop praying- keep talking to God. Tell him the details, let it all out. Whether you pray interiorly in your heart, outloud, or on paper… give it all to him. Every moment, every memory, every incident. It is His too. Surrender, surrender- “Jesus, I trust in you.”
DON’T PANIC. This one is extremely hard. It can be very difficult to not panic, especially if there are children in the home. And by panic, I don’t just mean running around like a chicken with its head cut off, but more-so referring to an emotional and interior panic- the kind that festers on the inside and eventually boils over. Panicking will only make the situation harder for you and your spouse. It will also keep you from processing what has happened and make situations more unbearable, often adding salt to the already gaping wounds. Take deep breathes, walk away, take an “adult time out” if needed. Maybe even a short-term separation will be necessary for you to process and for you both to recover through this together. This will take time to uncover and understand. So try not to panic.
REMEMBER. Your spouse is not the enemy. The Evil One is the enemy. He is the one at the root of this issue; he is the one who has hooked your spouse into temptation and disordered addictive behaviors and patterns. He is the one that has distorted and twisted and contorted what is true, good and beautiful. Remember, you are on the same team. Your vocation and vow (promise) of fidelity is to your spouse until death, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. Your spouse is the real victim here, and I know it is so hard to hear or even think of it like that- but it is the truth. Pornography kills love. It distorts one’s perceptions and desensitizes the brain. There is so much research surrounding this. Read this book to understand more.
LET WHAT’S BEEN HIDDEN BE REVEALED. I know it might not make sense right now, but God is healing your marriage. This issue is evidence of deeper issues that have been hidden, underneath the surface, likely affecting your relationship and marital bond, maybe even for years. It is highly likely that your spouse has unmet relational needs and unhealed wounds that only God can fully see where they stem from. Let His justice and mercy reign, pressing into a deep trust as you grieve for your spouse’s illness and wounded heart. If you are experiencing gaslighting or other unwanted behaviors in the marriage that is because there is a deep shame your spouse is carrying- even if on the surface you see denial or arrogance. Keep going forward in fidelity, as hard as it is. Do not give up and “persevere in running the race that lies before us.” (Heb 12:1)
LET YOURSELF BE ANGRY. Anger is a healthy emotion. There is such a thing as righteous anger (Eph 4:26). “Be angry” is actually in the bible, but what follows is just as important. Righteous anger is a conviction of God’s holiness that burns in our hearts against all evil (we hate the sin, not the sinner). What follows in Ephesians is “do not sin” and “do not let the sun go down on your anger.” Anger is a secondary emotion that is on the surface of a primary emotion like sadness, hurt, or fear. Anger can act as a protective mechanism to mask the underlying feelings so it’s important to recognize that and not bypass those. So if you are feeling angry at this unwanted part of your life or the understanding of what has come to light that has been hidden, let yourself experience that emotion. But keep humility close and recognize there are primary emotions underneath that will need serious attention. Which is often the hardest part. Which leads us to the 6th point:
DON’T RUSH THIS.Healing takes time. Especially when it’s not just one person, but two. You are united not just in spirit but also in flesh so the complexities here are great. This will take time to process, uncover, reveal, and peel back the layers not just for your spouse, but for you too.
SET BOUNDARIES. When we have limitations we are being honest with others and not acting out of obligation or a false charity. When we are honest and real about how we feel it can actually help the healing process, even if on the outside it seems “not charitable” or loving at first glance. You don’t owe an explanation to others regarding whatever boundaries you set in the marriage recovery for your healing. Building trust needs boundaries, much like when a road is getting fixed. The workers place cones around the space and create a detour so the old road can be repaired and a new foundation laid. Don’t bypass the boundary setting. The old road is being made new precisely because the space was created for repair. Setting boundaries in the recovery process might look like not being sexually intimate until trust is rebuilt, requiring an open line of communication from now on, or requiring a filter on all devices like Victory by Covenant Eyes. It may even look as drastic as a temporary separation (which my husband and I did and it blessed us). Whatever it is, do it in love and not in spite and make sure to check in often with the Lord. We can sometimes become a barrier to healing in our own stubborness too, so hold docility, flexibility, and fortitude close and be firm, letting your yes mean yes and your no mean no. Pruning is required for new growth (John 15).
DON’T PRETEND. This is the worst possible thing you could do: pretend. Not only does this harm your marriage, it can have a negative ripple effect on your family life as a whole, even for generations. You are also spiritually bound to your spouse and children and pretending does nothing good for either of them. In fact, it will hurt you more and create an even deeper barrier between you and your spouse. Pretending just prolongs– remember that. If you are feeling like you are in a place where you want to bury this and forget it all together, it’s time to hold yourself accountable and move to point 9.
TALK WITH SOMEONE. You aren’t the only husband or wife out there whose spouse is struggling, and I can assure you- your marriage is not the only marriage that is suffering from addictions or difficulties big or small. We are made for accompaniment. We are not meant to walk the hardships alone. Even Christ himself had others accompany him while carrying the weight of the cross. He is showing you it’s okay and good to let particular people into your cross so you don’t have to walk this alone.
GIVE YOURSELF GRACE. No one is prepared for these kinds of real-life hardships and nothing prepares us for spousal betrayal. It is complex and difficult to navigate, let alone navigate while building a family, especially as someone who is desiring to live in the fullness of the faith. Give yourself grace and know this will be a process of many ups and downs, twists and turns; an unexpected journey. You will figure it out as you go, as God’s graces are revealed along the way.
3 Steps to take now:
Really, there are more than 3 steps to take after discovering a spouse’s hidden life of sin and addiction. But, as a start, here are critical steps to take that will immediately support you in the recovery and rebuilding process.
GET HELP. You can’t heal someone else, but you can choose to heal yourself. You are experiencing a deep betrayal in your marriage as your spouse has been unfaithful to you in many ways. The stages of healing are complex as the layers peel back one by one, often leaving us with more questions and feelings of mistrust. It is critical to get help now. Whether just for you or for the both of you, or better yet individually and maritally. I know it’s expensive, I know it takes time- but this investment of intention, time, and money will bear much fruit in due season. Our team here at The Abundant Catholic offers individual coaching and couples mentorship. There are also other avenues to take like couples therapy with a trusted Christian (if not Catholic) therapist. There are also online support groups for you to walk with others who are in similar shoes, to find a light in the darkness through support groups, prayer sessions, sharing your story, etc. Below you will find a list of resources.
GO TO JESUS. Bring all things to him. If you aren’t used to doing this, this may be a new thing for you to start adding into your daily life. Frequent the Sacraments. Go and adore Christ in the Blessed Sacrament and cry to him, He longs for your heart. Try to go to Mass to recieve Him in the Most Holy Eucharist. Go to confession; bring all things into the light (your bitterness, resentment, all the ways in which you have sinfully acted out of your pain). Maybe there are sins that you have committed within the marriage yourself, in your past or in the present that may be a part in this rupture. Bring it all to God. This is real intimacy. Remember, Jesus is the healer. He is waiting for you to come closer to Him, always… and more so even now in your pain. Your spouse will never fully fill your cup, but Christ will as He is our ultimate fulfillment. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” -Ps 34:18
BE PROACTIVE. Take the necessary and difficult steps forward towards healing. This means getting something like Covenant Eyes on all your devices to protect your home and further protect your marriage. You don’t need permission for this from your spouse. Better yet, do this AND get your home blessed (which requires a call to your parish office to have your priest over for a visit). If your priest can’t come for sometime or you aren’t ready for that, then bless it yourself with holy water and exorcised salt.
Your recovery toolbox:
Any ruptured foundation will need fixing. We all need tools in the healing journey. Here are some that may work well for you in the days, weeks and years to come.
Betrayal Trauma Support
Hopes Garden is an online community that supports individuals in the healing journey from betrayal trauma. I have personally used this support app through very difficult times in our marriage for my own betrayal healing. It took me many years as the seasons ebbed and flowed and life still happened all while I was navigating recovery with my spouse. But this group made it all the more comforting and possible. The founder has walked the journey herself and has come to have a deep love and intimacy with Christ the Bridegroom. There are communities for both Catholic woman and Catholic Men (Men of Hope) who are seeking support as a betrayed spouse.
Sexual Addiction Recovery Support
Victory by Covenant Eyes* provides a clear view into the digital behavior of those in your household. Its Screen Accountability technology scans each screen, analyzing it for explicit content. It blocks concerning images and places them in a report so that an ally (you or another accountability partner) can help the person struggling (your spouse). It also reports when everything is okay as well, which I have personally found helpful in the rebuilding of trust.
Strive is a community of brothers discovering the keys to living porn-free through the STRIVE: 21-Day Porn Detox with Matt Fradd.
Arise is a 21-day video series from Covenant Eyes designed specifically for Christian women offering educational resources to help women overcome pornography addiction and begin their journey to sexual healing.
Restored Vows is a program for married couples. It is the story of a couple who went through this very thing and how they worked through it.
Strive-21, Arise, & Restored Vows are all FREE programs through Covenant Eyes.
*Disclosure: The Abundant Catholic has partnered with Covenant Eyes as an affiliate to support healthy Catholic marriages and family life. Every sign up helps us stay online and producing content!
Catholic Coaching
The Abundant Catholic team offers Individual Coaching for a solo spouse who is seeking healing as well as Couples Mentorship for both partners in the marriage. We are 100% rooted in Catholic Theology and offer a Christ-centered approach to our methods. Our Coaches are accredited and/or certified through various trainings. We specifically offer support for couples who are on the recovery journey and understand the complexities that come with such crosses in marriage and family life.
Inner Healing Session
Our Inner Healing Ministry is free of charge and for individuals who are stuck or are experiencing spiritual barriers. These Holy-Spirit led sessions can leave a profound positive impact in one’s spiritual and emotional journey, offering healing and often creating a new path forward with Christ. This can be very helpful in the process of healing from the wounds of spousal betrayal.
You know my heart. You see my faithfulness to the marriage in which you gifted me and my spouse. Help me remain firmly rooted in you as I go forth in the process of repairing and recovering what's been broken, so that I can live more fully as the man or woman You made me to be and reclaim the Freedom in which you gave us through Your Son, Jesus Christ. Bless my husband/wife and change me so that I am able to walk alongside him/her in the healing of his/her wounds. Help us walk this narrow way that leads to life knowing that if we enter into the cross we will rise anew.
Sts. Joseph, Rita & Monica, pray for us!
Amen.
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